Ours, too

As more and more people come forward with their stories, be careful what you say in front of your children, of all ages...young ears, teens, even adults. If the “Me, too”s in your newsfeed start to ring tiring for you, be careful, very careful, to understand these can be your private thoughts, hold them silent in your mind, when children are even a potential audience. Do not joke to minimize, do not question, or judge, or proclaim “innocent until proven guilty” in front of your children. You are not being asked to be in a jury on any of these cases, you keeping any negative or doubtful thoughts while your children are present will not damage anyone’s reputation. 

Because you cannot always control every situation your child is in for the rest of their life, but perhaps you can control how they feel about themselves when these things might happen, what they tell you, what they quietly tell themselves. When your children are young you think you can protect them from becoming a “me, too.” With long talks, open eyes, and a fiercely vigilant protective stance on where they go and what they do. 

But children grow, they grow out of our every moment eyes, this is our intention, the natural order. You can no longer control their every moment. How many parents have read their adult child’s “Me, too” for the first time and felt a stabbing guilt, bewilderment, and regret? Not just that they happened, but that they did not tell them, and they couldn’t prevent it. 

The reality of our world is that when that 17 turns to an 18, it’s up to them. I’m not talking about what they do. It is up to them what they do every moment they are not in your line of vision. It's not only what they tell you or don’t tell you, but what happens next. You want to be sure that comes from a source of empowerment. And every word you speak affects your child. When you read this and think, oh that’s for problem people, problem children, people who don’t know how to raise their kids. As is our nature, we love to blame a victim to keep our perimeter safe from the sullies of other people’s misfortune. And I hope you are right, I hope you and all the wonderful things you do and give your children raises them up to a life of never being a “me, too.” 

But...you only get even a say in what happens for such a small portion of their life. We all think about raising good adults, strong productive, healthy happy adults. But they make their own bad or good choices at some point. Or even, they might just be in the wrong place at the wrong time. And they will have a choice, to pick up that phone and call you, or not. To tell you why they are home late or to just go straight to the shower. 

Unspeakable horrors can happen to your child a day after they step from your home an hour after they turn 18, and you may never even know and if you know, it is no longer your choice or right what happens next. You are just a voice in a room. You are just one voice in their ear. And every voice that has come into their ear, and your ear, will find its way into this moment that runs on automatic in the chaos of shock. But in their future, there is now the voices of all the “Me, too”s chiming in, the strong and empowered voices rising cresting in a tsunami of possible change. And theirs will be the voice you hope they will hear. So if you cannot applaud, stay silent. Because you can always add an opinion they hear, you cannot take one away. You can’t protect them from what they will not tell you. You can’t avenge what you do not know. You can’t convict a shadow. And you can’t shadow proof their every home. 

So be careful what you say in front of your children. They won’t be children for very long. Err on the side of caution. Err on the side of wisdom.  As the din rises of ages and ages unspoken, if you cannot applaud, for the sake of your children, hold silent. And in your silence, imagine for a minute, the story you are hearing is being told by your child.